Feeling aggro? Have a kebab

Name: The kebab

Age: The first recorded use of the word dates to 1377, but this is all fresh today, honest.

Appearance: Sliced lamb or chicken, with salad, inside pitta bread. You want chips with that?

No thanks, I'm far too drunk to eat anything. There's no such thing as too drunk. Only not drunk enough. Try it.

Look, I'm not hungry. I'm angry. And what are you looking at, anyway? Please, take a bite. You'll feel less antisocial.

From eating a kebab? Yes. Especially one from Khans takeaway in Broughty Ferry, Dundee.

Do you have any evidence to support that statement? Just the highly persuasive arguments of solicitor Janet Hood.

Who is she? She's a lawyer representing Khans.

What kind of trouble is Khans in? None. The owners were just applying to the local council for a late-night licence.

And the council opposed it? Some members were worried that the extended hours might lead to antisocial behaviour.

Exactly. Late night takeaways are one-stop shops for antisocial behaviour. They're the opposite, according to Hood.

How so? "Medical evidence strongly suggests that eating after drinking helps induce sleep, which could help lower alcohol-related domestic violence," she said.

I never thought of it that way. She also argued that Khans prevented house fires, by feeding drunks who might otherwise go home and cook.

It sounds likes a fun town, Broughty Ferry. In fact, she claimed, the only trouble caused by Khans came when the post-late-licence-pub crowd turned up and found the place shut.

Give Khans that licence before all hell breaks loose! Don't worry, they did. Khans can now serve food until 2am during the week and 2.30am at weekends. Dozens of other takeaways in the vicinity have also been granted the extension.

Phew! Disaster averted. The council agrees. "I had no idea a kebab could solve so many problems," said one member.

Me neither. They should send kebabs to the Middle East! I think they already have them there.

Yes, but until how late? Good point.

Do say: "Large doner with chilli sauce, please, before I do something I'll regret in the morning."

Don't say: "I'll probably regret eating this in the morning."